Editor’s note: The following tips come courtesy of Joyful Heart Foundation, a non-profit that seeks to transform society’s response to sexual assault, domestic violence, and child abuse. The foundation supports survivors through education, advocacy, and healing initiatives. One of their programs, “Heal the Healers,” supports trauma professionals who are at risk of experiencing vicarious trauma while helping survivors. Additionally, they advocate for legislative reforms, such as addressing the national backlog of untested rape kits (End The Backlog). Founded in 2004 by Mariska Hargitay, who starred as Olivia Benson on Law & Order: Special Victims’ Unit, Joyful Heart also runs a retreat program to help survivors heal in mind, body, and spirit.
It takes immense courage for a survivor of sexual assault or domestic violence to share their story. Your response can play a crucial role in their healing journey. Here are six practical steps—words, actions, and resources—that can help you offer meaningful support when someone confides in you.
You don’t have to be an expert—just be yourself. If someone opens up to you, it’s because they trust you to provide support, compassion, and understanding. While you can’t erase what happened, you can offer comfort and help ease their pain.
1. Listen Sometimes, just listening without saying much can be incredibly powerful. For many survivors, sharing their story helps lift the burden of isolation, secrecy, and self-blame. Simply being there and hearing them is an act of love and support.
2. Validate Think back to a time when you felt vulnerable or went through a crisis. What likely helped you most wasn’t a particular conversation, but the knowledge that someone believed in you and was there for you. Here are some comforting phrases you can use:
- “I’m so sorry this happened to you.”
- “I believe you.”
- “This is not your fault.”
- “You’re not alone. I’m here for you, and I’m glad you told me.”
Survivors often blame themselves due to the victim-blaming attitudes in society. Remind them gently and often that they are not responsible for the harm done to them:
- “Nothing you did makes this your fault.”
- “The responsibility lies with the person who hurt you.”
- “No one ever has the right to hurt you.”
- “I promise, you didn’t ask for this.”
- “It doesn’t matter what you did or didn’t do. No one deserves this.”
3. Ask how you can help Abuse is about power and control, so it’s important for survivors to regain a sense of personal power. Instead of telling them what to do, ask how you can best support them. Allow them to make their own decisions at their own pace.
4. Provide helpful resources Offering options while leaving the survivor in control can be one of the best ways to help. Here are some national resources you can share:
- RAINN Sexual Assault Hotline: 1.800.656.4673 | www.rainn.org
- National Child Abuse Hotline: 1.800.422.4453 | www.childhelp.org
- National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1.800.799.7233 | www.thehotline.org
- National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline: 1.866.331.9474 | www.loveisrespect.org
5. Keep the door open Remind the survivor that you’re available to talk if they ever want to share more. Healing from trauma can be a long, complex process filled with both difficult and uplifting moments. It can be comforting for them to know that you’re there to support them throughout the journey.
6. Take care of yourself Supporting someone through their trauma can take an emotional toll. Second-hand or vicarious trauma is a normal response when hearing about someone else’s suffering. It’s essential to care for your own well-being so you can continue to offer support with compassion and patience. After difficult conversations, take time to recharge by enjoying a calming activity or spending time outdoors.
Remember, you can only be there for others if you first take care of yourself. By honoring your own needs, you’ll be in the best position to help someone else along their healing journey.
Download a PDF version of Six Steps to Support a Survivor courtesy of Joyful Heart Foundation.